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'But I Still Love Them' -
When One Partner Is Doing All The Work
Imagine you are sitting in a rowing boat — the kind that requires two oars to move.
If you are alone, you can hold one oar in each hand. It’s hard work, but at least the movement makes sense. You know where the effort is coming from.
Now imagine someone sitting next to you. Naturally, you assume you’ll each take one oar. Together, in synchrony, the boat moves forward. If you need to turn, you adjust together — one slows, the other adapts. The boat responds because both people are rowing.
That’s how relationships are meant to work.
But what happens when only one person is rowing?
“Love is very rarely the missing piece.
Effort and willingness are.”
Rowing Alone, Together
In one scenario, your partner is sitting next to you, their oar resting on the floor. They’re not rowing — but they’re also not objecting. They simply expect the boat to move.
And because you want the relationship to work, you row harder.
At first, you don’t question it. You care. You’re motivated. You want progress. So you put in more effort, thinking it will compensate for the imbalance.
But no matter how hard you row, the boat doesn’t go anywhere. It just spins in circles.
The effort increases. The outcome doesn’t.
Carrying Both Oars
In another scenario, you take both oars yourself while your partner leans back. This time, the boat does move — at least initially. There’s forward motion, and that can be incredibly misleading.
It feels like progress.
But rowing with two oars alone is exhausting. You’re doing double the work, while also carrying the weight of another person who isn’t participating. Slowly, your energy drains. The pace drops. Eventually, you slow to a
stop.
Not because you don’t care.
But because you’re tired.
This is what it feels like when one person carries the emotional, mental, and often physical load of a relationship.
“If your love is what’s making you work so hard for the relationship,
what is the other person’s love doing?”
“But I Still Love Them”
This is usually the point where I hear the same sentence:
“But I still love them.”
And I believe it.
Love is very rarely the missing piece in these relationships. In fact, love is often what keeps them going far longer than they should. It’s the love of the person who is rowing — the one communicating, adjusting, reflecting, and trying again.
But this is the part that’s often overlooked:
If your love is what’s making you work so hard for the relationship, what is the other person’s love doing?
Love, when it exists on both sides in a functional way, tends to show up as effort. As willingness. As participation. Not perfectly — but consistently.
It’s not the absence of love that causes these relationships to collapse.
It’s the absence of shared responsibility.
When Communication Changes Nothing
Most people don’t arrive at this realisation quickly. They try to communicate. They explain. They ask. They adjust. They carry on rowing because they don’t want to give up on the journey — or the person sitting next to them.
But when nothing changes, when no communication seems to land, another truth begins to surface:
You are dealing with an adult who is choosing not to row.
Stress, exhaustion, and past experiences may explain behaviour — but they do not remove responsibility. Especially when the relationship is clearly struggling.
At some point, the question becomes unavoidable.
The Hardest Question
Do I want to keep rowing like this?
Not because I don’t love them.
But because I’m doing it alone.
This is not an easy question, and it doesn’t come with a neat answer. For many, it’s the most confronting moment of all — because the information has been there all along.
The boat can only go so far with one person rowing.
And while love may be the reason you stayed, it cannot be the only thing holding the relationship together.
If you feel like you’ve lost touch with who you are, or of something feels a bit off inside, send me a message on ushascounselling@gmail.com to book a session. Or go to CONTACT.
Let’s work together to help you reconnect with your authentic self.
Thanks for reading!
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